Starting Over Strong

You can’t pour from an empty cup. Try as you might, you can’t. I know because I tried for years and ended up with nothing to show for it.

For an entire year, I found myself saying, “I’m on E.” I have nothing left to give, I’d say. I felt totally depleted and overwhelmed by the smallest things. I was running on empty.

The Deaf Ears of a Toxic Relationship

Those words fell on deaf ears. Truth be told, he even said my overwhelmed state and lack of zeal for anything was depression. My messy workspace was also a sign of depression, according to him.

You’d think that with all of this, he’d try to help in some way. He might try to alleviate some of the burden, right?

WRONG!

In fact, it felt like my pleas for help somehow translated into him putting more pressure on me.

The Twisted Dance of Burnout and “Care”

It was as if he derived some sort of sick pleasure from watching me burn out completely.

It reached a point where I might even fall sick. Then he’d swoop in to “take care of me” when I was ill. Superhero complex, maybe?

Ironically, it was during these times that I felt most cared for. But since I’m not prone to illness, this happened perhaps once a year.

Recognizing an Unhealthy Relationship

I knew our relationship wasn’t a healthy one. But I didn’t want to be the one who quit on my marriage. It seemed like I was giving up too early because every marriage has challenges. We’re supposed to stick it out. Marriage is hard work, everyone said, so I thought I was just being weak.

But, the constant criticism and put-downs chipped away at my sense of self, leaving me questioning my own sanity. Yet somehow, I still convinced myself that this was normal. That all couples fought like this and it was just a part of marriage.

I was convinced that I was the problem. According to him, my long period of independence had left me struggling to adapt to married life. I was the one at fault, supposedly grappling with issues concerning men in positions of authority.

Over time, I began to believe and internalize his words. I thought that if I simply tried harder and showed more understanding, everything would eventually be okay. I tried to reshape myself to meet his expectations so that I’m not classified as a “stubborn woman” because “you can’t lead a stubborn woman”

But the truth is, no one deserves to be constantly put down or criticized by their partner. It’s not normal or healthy in a relationship. And it took me a long time to realize that. I had been conditioned to think that his behavior was acceptable, and my own self-worth suffered because of it.

The Breaking Point

I’ll never forget that day. I was having lunch at the dining table, and it felt like something inside me broke.

I literally fell apart right there. A full-on mental breakdown.

In that moment, I knew two things with absolute certainty:

1. I had to seek professional help
2. I needed an exit strategy

I couldn’t continue to live that life, and I didn’t deserve it.

Prioritizing Self-Care

This is easily the second most difficult thing I’ve had to deal with in my life.

There are days when I still feel like I can’t move forward. I’m learning that healing takes time and it’s important to give yourself grace and patience along the way. I am learning to prioritize ME and my well-being.

My physical and mental health are paramount. As someone from the Caribbean, talking about mental health still feels weird at times. However, I am unlearning that mindset. Growing up, mental health was never really talked about. It was seen as a sign of weakness to seek help.

Embracing a New Future

We continue to press on, painfully moving forward while trying to learn how to let go of the past.

Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting or erasing memories completely. It means:

• Acknowledging them for what they were
• Choosing to move on
• Accepting that the past cannot be changed
• Recognizing our power to shape the future

Instead of dwelling on what could have been, we must focus on what can be.

This doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings or pretending everything is okay. It means acknowledging them and then actively choosing to move forward.

Key Takeaways:

1. Recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship
2. Understand that you can’t pour from an empty cup
3. Acknowledge when you need help and seek it
4. Prioritize self-care and mental health
5. Give yourself time and patience to heal
6. Focus on building a new future

Remember, starting over after divorce is a journey. It’s okay to take it one step at a time. You’re not alone, and there is hope for a brighter future ahead.

Are you struggling to move ahead after a divorce? Share your story in the comments below. Let’s find strength in our shared experiences.